Do you remember when you were a kid and your parents told you they weren’t mad they were just disappointed? And for some reason the disappointment was way worse than the anger? Yeah. That was me too. I’ve disappointed people in the LGBTQ community unintentionally. And it really was unintentionally.
Those who know me know my heart but I forget sometimes that to some I’m a blank canvas and my actions and my words paint a picture of who I am. Well, some saw the picture I was meaning to paint and others saw an ugly side and I can’t be okay with that because that’s not me. I want to take a moment to get VERY real with all of you. Real in a way only few people know.
You need to understand something, and this is really hard for me to actually admit and I also realize that this is part of the problem. In a place that opened its arms to me in warm welcome are seeing a stranger when they look at me. I am an ally. But I’m also a bisexual woman. There, I’ve said it. I have never said those words on a public forum in my life. And it’s terrifying.
Why am I telling you now? Because you all need to hear it. You need to know the hurt is also my own. In my attempt to try to end infighting I disappointed people I genuinely look up to and have found as mentors. People who I have tried to support to the fullest. I failed in my support the other day with my blog post. It wasn’t just an Oops I did it again mistake. It genuinely hurt people. People I love. And I just can’t have that.
Did I know the whole story? No I didn’t and that was my fault. That’s a huge thing I’ve noticed in SM to begin with. We don’t ever know the entire story. We react. Oh look at me, I reacted. Exactly what I told everyone not to do.
I also made people think I was telling them how to feel. Well, yeah if someone told me to calm the fuck down and I shouldn’t feel hurt I’d lose my mind. But that is what I did didn’t I? I never meant to.
Plain and simple, I fucked up. I own that. I’m not about to delete my original blog post because those are words I said and though I do feel that infighting needs to stop I think the how is the focus. But I don’t know HOW to change the way things are so my words shouldn’t be the Holy and all knowing.
My words came from exhaustion and I thought I was giving hope. But I was failing my family and that makes my heart hurt a lot.
I am sorry. Deeply and irrevocably sorry that I hurt anyone. You’ve embraced me from day one and I’m sure the announcement of my bisexuality won’t change how any of you view me at all.
I do not support the hurtful words of the latest conflict. They hurt me as well. I promise to be a voice in this community and know my facts before I speak. And I promise not to give up on any of you. I hope you don’t give up on me but should you choose to, I respect your choices.